Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
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FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR