4: hi mummy you look pretty
Me: aw thank-
4: please can I have the glue I didn’t break anything

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Text to wife: “Would you bring me my ” and my phone suggests “girlfriend.” My phone is trying to kill me.


If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.


*makes eye contact
*slowly pulls a banana out my bag
*and another one
*and another one
*and another one
*and another one
*breaks eye contact
*looks in my bag if there’s any more banana’s.
*makes eye contact again
*slowly pulls out another banana


I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.


Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate


If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.


I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.


This motel air conditioner has seen some things…


Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?