When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
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I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
i think we should see other cousins
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake