4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
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*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
🤭😂
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
english majors be like furthermore
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’