4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
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so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
i guess his teacher was really pissed
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health