4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

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I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.


On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”


As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..


*finally convinces self to date again as there are plenty of fish in the sea*

Fish: I have a koi friend.


We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.

She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.

It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.


My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.


[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure


Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor


Love is patient. Love is kind. Love has never been in a relationship apparently.