4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
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Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024