4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
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Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger