4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
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I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”