4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
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The glory of fall.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Seems kinda suspicious
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.