something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
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Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
awkward
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank