LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
4 is currently using scissors to whittle down a pencil.
This will be a valuable skill if she ever goes to prison and needs to make a shank.
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Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
(Animal spelling bee)
Owl: Your word is Mississippi
Snake: M I Sssssss Sssssssss
Badger: *in audience* OH FFS THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
I think they could have phrased this better