@jdforshort

4 is currently using scissors to whittle down a pencil.

This will be a valuable skill if she ever goes to prison and needs to make a shank.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

@mydmac

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

@ThaJawn

(Animal spelling bee)

Owl: Your word is Mississippi

Snake: M I Sssssss Sssssssss

Badger: *in audience* OH FFS THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER

@rebrafsim

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

@neiltyson

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

@DrakeGatsby

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful