4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
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Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july