-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
You Might Also Like
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles