4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
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Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I need this for my side hustle.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
guys I’m going home
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*