I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
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Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?