4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
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Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”