@djdarrellripley
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
@mom_tho
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
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@djdarrellripley
@Chumpstring
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
@mommajessiec
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
@MissHavisham
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
@goodtimenoel
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
@Megatronic13
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
@SillySassySmart
*texts you back 2 years later…
Lol not much how about you
@Cryptoterra
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
@HomeProbably
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
@WheelTod
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.