4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
You Might Also Like
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
is frankincense just very honest incense?
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?