4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
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Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.