Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
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Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Venn
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
saw this in a dream
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.