87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
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Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
#dnd #ttrpg
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
When can I start eating bats again.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.