“Anyone can be funny… But I can make you hilarious!”
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
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Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey
Girls are like math problems. If they are under 18, its best you do them in your head
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌