4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
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[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
there has never been a better use of this meme
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭