Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
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Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Me: “The only person I need in my life is you.”
Bartender: “Please stop trying to hold my hand.”
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Blah blah blah employee handbook, just get to the point where you say if you’re gonna drug test me or not
Don’t dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that’ll happen tomorrow.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
If I meet Captain Crunch I’m going to punch him in the roof of the mouth.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency.
Me: I’m 33 and I tried to do a cartwheel.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings