4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
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*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband: