@BuckyIsotope

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

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@AngelaEhh

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

@Tmoney68

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

@StupidSophia_

Me: “The only person I need in my life is you.”
Bartender: “Please stop trying to hold my hand.”

@ShutUpThatsWho

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

@karencreets

Blah blah blah employee handbook, just get to the point where you say if you’re gonna drug test me or not

@BackrowSeats

Don’t dwell on bad things that happened in your past. Focus on the terrible things that’ll happen tomorrow.

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

@SocialustGal13

If I meet Captain Crunch I’m going to punch him in the roof of the mouth.

@shkeeber

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency.

Me: I’m 33 and I tried to do a cartwheel.

@Darlainky

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings