I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
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“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.