@SnarkyMommy78

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

You Might Also Like

@undeadmolly

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

@3sunzzz

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

@BigJDubz

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

@david8hughes

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

@WhaJoTalkinBout

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

@dznyella

me & my mentally ill friends when we complete small tasks like getting up before noon & completing an assignment

@djdarrellripley

When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…