[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

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ME: What an emotional roller coaster

ROLLER COASTER: [calling out to me as I exit the park] Why are you leaving??!! Is it something I said?


Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it


“i said make him fetch”
“what have you done”
he looks pretty fetching to me
*dog in shirt & tie*
does he have a job interview or somet


*whispers seductively in your ear*

“…look at that last slice of pizza and you’re dead to me…”


Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.


[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*


Twitter…because if it can’t be described in 140 characters or less, did it really ever happen?