@MatCro

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

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@therealeatwood

ME: What an emotional roller coaster

ROLLER COASTER: [calling out to me as I exit the park] Why are you leaving??!! Is it something I said?

@YesNoSuper

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

@KeetPotato

“i said make him fetch”
yeah?
“what have you done”
he looks pretty fetching to me
*dog in shirt & tie*
does he have a job interview or somet

@ScubavelliDeux

*whispers seductively in your ear*

“…look at that last slice of pizza and you’re dead to me…”

@SequelsWeWant

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

@Michael_Erhart

[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*

@archerenemy

Twitter…because if it can’t be described in 140 characters or less, did it really ever happen?