{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
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i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
describing stardew valley
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.