4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
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Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated