4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
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Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
😏😏😏
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*