You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
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Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.