Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
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Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”