4 words. 5 syllables. Easy to say. Hard to prove. ”I am a zebra.”

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depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time


All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.


Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.



~me, parenting teens


The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had


Things I know I cannot do but still try to:

1. Cartwheel
2. Hit the high note
3. Move things with my mind
4. Eat ‘just one’
5. Be Cool


Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*


Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot


Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.


dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys