Smoked a cigar
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
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The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
HER: Do you have any hobbies?
ME: Yes! Wait, did you say “hobbits”?
HER: No, hobbies
ME: Oh, then no
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
At the bar I got into a factual debate with another patron. He pulled the “I have a PhD” card.
Now he has a PhD AND a fork in his eye.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
My son and his friends are great … They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
ME: hey did u get my letter?
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what