4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
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how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
How all things should be taught/explained.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Our lord and savoury.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Just got to our Airbnb!
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants