@XplodingUnicorn

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

You Might Also Like

@aundreyamarie

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

@cerebralbeef

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

@QwertyJones3

[first date]

HER: Do you have any hobbies?

ME: Yes! Wait, did you say “hobbits”?

HER: No, hobbies

ME: Oh, then no

@bingowings14

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

@clyderun

At the bar I got into a factual debate with another patron. He pulled the “I have a PhD” card.

Now he has a PhD AND a fork in his eye.

@HatfieldAnne

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

@SooInnocentDad

My son and his friends are great … They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home

@ch000ch

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

@PhuckinCody

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what