4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
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(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
jesus christ confetti not now
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.