4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
You Might Also Like
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
the best thing i’ve ever made
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich