4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
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Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.