@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

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@sarcasticmommy4

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

@Scigglez

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

@shariv67

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

@OneFunnyMummy

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

@1MeLrO

I don’t get why they put those stickers on fruit and vegetables

They taste like shit

@schmittsteve

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

@KimmyMonte

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

@amishschool

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.