4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
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I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*