4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
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Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Herpes is trending, good job people
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐