@theroyaltramp
You wake up from a coma only to realize everyone you love has abandoned you because they went through your phone while you were out.
@XplodingUnicorn
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
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@theroyaltramp
@BunAndLeggings
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
@ianpauldukes
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
@momjeansplease
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
@krisv_723
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
@herprettybones
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
@BGH70
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
@Jez1
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
@OhHiAlyPie
“I just really need a good man to fill the hole”
*100 men come running up
“In my heart.”
*100 men run away
@kidnapped_jesus
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call