4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
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Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”