4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

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Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face


JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*moves 2 ft over, puts on tie, nods*
ME: thats correct ur honor


“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”



If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.


SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer


Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.


It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.