@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

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@krisv_723

Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face

@Brampersandon_

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*moves 2 ft over, puts on tie, nods*
ME: thats correct ur honor

@MummaCrazy

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

@warmyellowlight

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

@Holy_Mowgli

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

@protolalia

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.