Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
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JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*moves 2 ft over, puts on tie, nods*
ME: thats correct ur honor
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
Not a headline I thought I’d ever read.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.