4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
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🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.