4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
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Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.