@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

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@Sassafrantz

Ghosts never write encouraging stuff on my mirror. It’s always “KILL” or “MURDER” or “YOU’RE OUT OF NUTELLA”

@TheBoydP

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

@TheBoydP

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

@iAmDelFreaky

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

@WheelTod

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

@WhoTheHeckIsMeg

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

@causticbob

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

@NoticablyBacon

The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?

@jergarl

Wife:Have you seen the bag of dog treats?

Me:*flashback of drunk me eating what I thought was a bag of beef jerky..

No?

W: Really? Idiot.