“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
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Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*