4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
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I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda