@michimama75

4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”

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@Gre_Gone

[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*

@LostFelicia

No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

@AaronFullerton

Excited for Downton Abbey tonight. According to DVR description, “Lord Grantham gets pissy when a lady challenges the class system.” Oh boy!

@DillDoes

*rubs lamp*

Genie: “you get three wishes”

Me: “I wish I wasn’t so alone”

Genie: “k wow I’m like right here”

@heymonroe

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

@sophielou

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

@BCMontgo

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

@KatWar1

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”