@michimama75

4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”

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@DanLaMorte

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

@SadieSmithRoks

Is no shave November just for men?

Asking for my female Italian coworker and her mustache.

@TheAndrewNadeau

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.

@ericsshadow

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

@oxygenplug

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

@envydatropic

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

@hippieswordfish

ME: *opens planner and puts on reading glasses* no im sorry looks like i can’t make it
FRIEND: you’re holding a VCR warranty brochure

@jordan_stratton

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison