4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”

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[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…


If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.


I watched Neil deGrasse Tyson talk about Milky Ways for an hour and I still have no idea what nougat is.


A dog needs to be the next president.

“A dog can’t-”

When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?

“I’ll start the paperwork.”


My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.


What should we call it when a man is beautiful?
No but I feel like you’re on the right track


date: i want a good listener

superman: 🙂

date: who can see inner beauty

superman: 🙂

date: and looks good in glasses

clark kent: 🙂

date: wait what the hell


[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]

“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”


My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.


70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.