@PaperWash

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

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@Jandalize

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

@TheNYAMProject

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

@TraciRos

I’m forever disappointed that a group of squids isn’t called a squad.

@serendipitydon1

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.

@GrumpyBahr

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

@buttcrunchy

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

@champ_of_yuth

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

@jazmasta

[kids party]
“This bouncy castle is twice the price of last year”
Dad no
“That’s..”
Please no dad
“..Inflation for you”
*kids start crying*

@justabloodygame

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

@MarkAFuqua_Hunt

Hotel beds are often all the proof I need that Satan owns a mattress factory.