4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

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The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.


So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.


I’m forever disappointed that a group of squids isn’t called a squad.


“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.


North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.


“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?


accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again


[kids party]
“This bouncy castle is twice the price of last year”
Dad no
Please no dad
“..Inflation for you”
*kids start crying*


[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”


Hotel beds are often all the proof I need that Satan owns a mattress factory.