The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
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So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I’m forever disappointed that a group of squids isn’t called a squad.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
“This bouncy castle is twice the price of last year”
Please no dad
“..Inflation for you”
*kids start crying*
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Hotel beds are often all the proof I need that Satan owns a mattress factory.