@not_thenanny

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

You Might Also Like

@mejustbeth

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

@daemonic3

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

@skittle624

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

@deedles420

I bet crop circles are just Yelp for aliens with reviews like ‘Earth: hangry species, would not recommend.’ or ‘if you must visit, visit in the summer, ?????.’

@halvewit

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

@3sunzzz

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

@TheDairylandDon

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

@rebrafsim

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

@PinkCamoTO

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

@simoncholland

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.