My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
You Might Also Like
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.