I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
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Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Happy weekend !
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out