Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
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Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.