2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
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I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.