*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
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“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
my retirement plan is braless
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.