@smithsara79

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

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@notmythirdrodeo

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

@DominicStraw

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

@FunnyBison

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

@ArfMeasures

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME: Sure [loudly chewing a steak] I haven’t brought any money

@dogsrverycool

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

@chairkeyre

An exclamation point is just a lowercase L on its period