@smithsara79

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

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@Nahdude83

A roasted peanut is a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts.

@natechartier1

*creating garbage cans*
God: “That’s where trash goes”

*creating my twitter*
God: “That’s where trash comes from”

@RealPrincessKim

Find a group doing river baptisms. Release LSD into the water upstream. Bring friends in devil costumes. Cavort and frolic on the riverbank.

@adrianmyreality

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

@KenJennings

PERSONALITY TEST: When you read an obit where someone passes away “surrounded by family,” do you picture murder, or suicide?

@ThisOneSayz

Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.

@Darlainky

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

@OmgMeDamnit

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.