*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

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A roasted peanut is a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts.


*creating garbage cans*
God: “That’s where trash goes”

*creating my twitter*
God: “That’s where trash comes from”


Find a group doing river baptisms. Release LSD into the water upstream. Bring friends in devil costumes. Cavort and frolic on the riverbank.


My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.


PERSONALITY TEST: When you read an obit where someone passes away “surrounded by family,” do you picture murder, or suicide?


Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.


Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.


Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.